shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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