just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
