I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
