I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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