Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
