I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
