just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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