I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
