before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
