Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
