We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
