I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
