So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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