If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
