woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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