Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
