I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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