I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
