don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
