i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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