How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
