I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
