Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
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She kept screaming "best case scenario"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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