Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Shame - the story of my life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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