I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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