Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
