Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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