The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
