So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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