I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.