This girl is more easily done than said...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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