Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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