You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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