I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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