you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
