and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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