there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
