I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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