i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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