Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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