my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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