That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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