i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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