First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
