My room smells like vodka and shame
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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