My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
