just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
