I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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