The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
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Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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