"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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