Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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